Friday, May 12


Well, I managed to hold down a solid 4.0 GPA for a few hours. Too bad that's gone now. I'm really happy with this semester. I'm still waiting on 4 grades, but I think things just went so much better than the fall. The fall was bad, real bad. It came at the end of a really bad summer. It's not a point in my life that I am particularly proud of. But 2006 has been good to me. I know that I mention Donald Miller in just about every post, but I'll do it again anyway. He starts off Through Painted Deserts talking about change. Not like two dimes and a nickel change, but a change in your life that creeps into your bones. It's a noticeable feeling. Not really a "Hey, look how differently I act now then I did back then", but more of a desire to see change, to make change, to be changed, and to be change. It's a longing that keeps me up way too late into the night thinking about life, friends, enemies, God, and what I'm not doing that I should be. It used to be that I focused on what I was doing that I shouldn't be. I guess I've changed.

One tangible thing that I have noticed is my philosophy about the way I relate to other people. I just recently figured out that I even had a philosophy about anything (other than my theory that the concept of time is really a government conspiracy designed to help clock and calendar companies make money). I've heard it said from many different sources that you should never try and change another person. That's advice that gets thrown around a lot about friends, dating, and even marriages. I used to live by this advice, to the extreme. I think most people do. It's like even when two people are in the same room together they are still completely isolated from each other. One person says something, then the other says something else that has nothing to do with what the first person said. They might as well be speaking different languages. Neither cares about the other person, they are just speaking so they can be heard. I believe that one thing every person desperately wants is to be heard, even the most quiet, introverted person you know would love nothing more than for someone just to listen to them. It's really too bad that people hate to listen. They're really just talking to themselves.

I'm not OK with that anymore. More than that, I hate that I have been that way for so long. It's stupid. Boring. How can you not feel like your life sucks if you live this way?? A friend told me recently that I am just making a big deal out of nothing, but I don't think they got it. I don't understand why this isn't a "big deal". It cuts right to the core of my faith, of my identity, and of my character. If I am called to love everyone, then I have no option left but to get involved in their lives. What does getting involved mean anyway? I don't think it means to get romantically involved with everyone, so don't think that about me. I don't say things like that about you. I think it means a lot of things... a lot of things that mean a lot more things. Like "being there", which means being available, which means you are willing to make sacrifices, which means that you take risks. It means you are honest, and vulnerable. It means that you care about a person so much that you don't care how they think of you. It means your not afraid to be a screwed up, stupid, jerk of a human being because you are trying to make a difference. You are trying to bring about some change! It's worth it.

This probably isn't an earth-shattering idea, but it has been for me this last semester. Next year I'm leading a Community Group. That's insane. I feel like I need to be evaluated or something before I lead, but I know that I can do it. I'm going to squeeze in a trip to Knoxville at the end of the month. I think I'm going to stop at a rest stop and sleep in my car. Why? Because then I could say that I have. And Donald Miller did it. He pretty much told me to.


Mags said...

This semester was WAY better for me too! 3.6 thank you very much. Anyway, It seems that ch-ch-ch-changes are in the air. Good luck with yours.

Mags said...

hahah sorry about the book. And actually I just said that I heard it was good and I wanted to read it. I hadnt actually read it. But the author is gay so you had to see it coming. And the moth thing, ok yeah that was kinda weird... but it was more symbolic than sexual. Jeez paul have an open mind. :)

Mags said...

And what the heck does your other comment mean? You and your mixed signals. sheesh