Friday, January 4

Getting A Hold On The Caucuses

First off I'd like to start by congratulating myself on what is quite possibly the most hilarious post title I have come up with thus far. Crude? Yes. Inappropriate? Maybe. Uncalled for? Most certainly. It might just be the late hour but I am still laughing at it myself. Anyway, I thought I would use this post for some light-hearted political commentary that if nothing else, at least I will find amusing. Instead of breaking it down by issue and such, I decided it would be much more fun to go candidate by candidate and list whatever grievances I have with them in order to help me decide which will ultimately be the lesser of innumerable evils.

Obama: Limited political experience. He is a different color than me, which is scary. He was born in Hawaii, so he is most likely some sort of criminal. He shares one name with an evil dictator and another name is one political-career-saving-letter away from the most wanted terrorist in the world. He is a known Democrat. Also, he has limited political experience.

Edwards: Complete Jackass. Also known Democrat.

Clinton: Known female. Could be briefly described as a power-hungry extreme liberal ego-centric emotionless psychopath that will only divide the country further and eventually ignore the will of the nation altogether if she were to be elected, heaven forbid, and most likely try to conquer the continent of Europe, and if that proves too difficult, at least Canada and Australia. If that were not enough, her cactus like personality and unpredictable politics would make her a prime target for some well-meaning yet misguided Texan with a .308 and the most expensive sight Academy had to offer and leave us at the mercy of whatever inbred relative of her husband (who was not so bad) she appointed to the Vice Presidency. She is the reason many Democrats are ashamed of being Democrats, which really says something.

Huckabee: He admits to being a Southern Baptist Preacher, so he is most likely completely untrustworthy and unreliable. His name brings to mind thoughts of blue cartoon dogs and southern... slow to accept anything new no matter how true or beneficial-ness. He is not only from Arkansas, but was elected by the people of the state of Arkansas to be their leader. Seriously goofy looking dude.

Romney: Major people pleaser, or more accurately, political whore. Spends millions from campaign discretionary funds on hair product. Charisma that borders... or more accurately tends to fall on the side of an undefinable creeper factor that makes you call your friends for comfort if watching TV alone. Known mormon, whom we all actually know not to be misguided Christians or cultists, but zombies, also called the living dead. If elected the nation would undoubted face untold numbers of horrible, horrible commercials, ultimately leading to a sharp rise in the number of suicides and race riots. Controls nearly 98% of the world's supply of red neckties.

McCain: The biggest problem with McCain is he would spend all his time collecting and burying acorns on the White House lawn and no time running the country.

Guilliani, Thomson, and Paul: Despite one having and excellent name, I mean... seriously? You guys are joking, right?

Is that everyone, pretty much? All joking aside, I had hoped to remain impartial and undecided until election day, but my fragile self was swayed by Obama's politics of hope speech, so I am now safely and happily on his bandwagon.

I am so freaking bored.

4 comments:

the photoSmith said...

have you been drinking?

Elaine said...

srsly, are you okay?

Obama's speech had the opposite effect on me...i'm deeply suspicious of him. Deeply. And I'll prolly still vote for him.

jenn said...

I enjoyed your humorous way of talking about each candidate. However, I disagree with which I will vote for...and the lesser of the evils. And yes, you should be excited you made the pic post. jk

the photoSmith said...

Kinky for prez!